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我是女性,我是有色人種,我就是我

Kelly Marie Tran: I Won’t Be Marginalized by Online Harassment
我是女性,我是有色人種,我就是我

It wasn’t their words, it’s that I started to believe them.

問題不是他們說了什么,而是我開始相信他們的話。

Their words seemed to confirm what growing up as a woman and a person of color already taught me: that I belonged in margins and spaces, valid only as a minor character in their lives and stories.

他們的話似乎確認了我作為一個女人和有色人種在成長過程已經學到的東西:我的位子在邊緣和空白地帶,只能作為一個他們的生活和故事中的一個次要人物。

And those words awakened something deep inside me — a feeling I thought I had grown out of. The same feeling I had when at 9, I stopped speaking Vietnamese altogether because I was tired of hearing other kids mock me. Or at 17, when at dinner with my white boyfriend and his family, I ordered a meal in perfect English, to the surprise of the waitress, who exclaimed, “Wow, it’s so cute that you have an exchange student!”

這些話喚醒了我內心深處的一種我以為已經擺脫了的感受。當我9歲的時候,我不再說越南語,因為我厭倦了聽其他孩子嘲笑我。或者在17歲的時候,我和我的白人男友以及他家人共進晚餐的時候,我用完美的英語點餐,出乎女服務員的意料,她驚叫道:哇,你們家有個交換生,這真是太可愛了!

Their words reinforced a narrative I had heard my whole life: that I was “other,” that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t good enough, simply because I wasn’t like them. And that feeling, I realize now, was, and is, shame, a shame for the things that made me different, a shame for the culture from which I came from. And to me, the most disappointing thing was that I felt it at all.

他們的話強化了我一生都在聽到的一種敘事:我是“局外人”,我不屬于這里,我不夠好,僅僅因為我和他們不一樣。而我現在意識到,從過去到現在,那種感覺是羞恥,因為自己的與眾不同而感到的恥辱,因為我的文化背景的不同而感到的羞恥。對我來說,最令人失望的事情是我竟然因此感到羞恥。

Because the same society that taught some people they were heroes, saviors, inheritors of the Manifest Destiny ideal, taught me I existed only in the background of their stories, doing their nails, diagnosing their illnesses, supporting their love interests — and perhaps the most damaging — waiting for them to rescue me.

因為,那個在告訴某些人他們是英雄、救世主,天命理想的繼承者的社會,同時也在告訴我,我只存在于他們的故事背景中,給他們做指甲,診斷他們的疾病,支持他們的愛慕對象,和——這也許是糟糕的——等待他們來拯救我。

And for a long time, I believed them.

在很長一段時間里,我相信了他們。

I believed those words, those stories, carefully crafted by a society that was built to uphold the power of one type of person — one sex, one skin tone, one existence.<紐約時報中英文網 http://www.uydujn.live/>

我相信了那些這個社會為了支持某一類人的權力、某一種性別、某一種膚色和某一種存在而精心設計的話語和故事。

It reinforced within me rules that were written before I was born, rules that made my parents deem it necessary to abandon their real names and adopt American ones — Tony and Kay — so it was easier for others to pronounce, a literal erasure of culture that still has me aching to the core.

這固化了我內心熟知的規則,那些在我出生以前就存在的規則。那些規則讓我父母認為有必要放棄自己的真實姓名,采用美國名字——托尼和凱——使別人更容易發音。這種在文字層面上對文化的消除至今仍使我痛至肺腑。

And as much as I hate to admit it, I started blaming myself. I thought, “Oh, maybe if I was thinner” or “Maybe if I grow out my hair” and, worst of all, “Maybe if I wasn’t Asian.” For months, I went down a spiral of self-hate, into the darkest recesses of my mind, places where I tore myself apart, where I put their words above my own self-worth.

盡管我不愿承認,我開始自責。我想,“哦,也許如果我更瘦”,或者“也許如果我把頭發留長”,最糟糕的是,“也許如果我不是亞洲人”。在幾個月的時間里,我陷入了自怨自艾的漩渦,進入了我內心最黑暗的角落,在那里我把自己撕裂,把他們的話置于自我價值之上。

And it was then that I realized I had been lied to.

就在那時,我意識到自己被騙了。

I had been brainwashed into believing that my existence was limited to the boundaries of another person’s approval. I had been tricked into thinking that my body was not my own, that I was beautiful only if someone else believed it, regardless of my own opinion. I had been told and retold this by everyone: by the media, by Hollywood, by companies that profited from my insecurities, manipulating me so that I would buy their clothes, their makeup, their shoes, in order to fill a void that was perpetuated by them in the first place.

我被灌輸了一種思想,認為我的存在局限于他人認可的邊界之內。我上當了,以為我的身體不屬于自己,以為只有別人相信我美麗時,我才美麗,不管我自己怎么認為。各種外力把這種邏輯一遍又一遍地灌輸給我,除了媒體和好萊塢,還有那些從我的不安全感中獲利的公司,它們操縱我去買它們的衣服、它們的化妝品,它們的鞋子,以填補我心中本來是它們使之持久化的空缺。 紐約時報中英文網 http://www.uydujn.live

Yes, I have been lied to. We all have.

是的,我被騙了。我們都被騙了。

And it was in this realization that I felt a different shame — not a shame for who I was, but a shame for the world I grew up in. And a shame for how that world treats anyone who is different.

當我意識到這一點時,我感受到一種不同的恥辱——不是為我是什么樣的人而感到的恥辱,而是為我生長的這個世界所感到的恥辱。為這個世界如何對待每個不同的人所感到的恥辱。

I am not the first person to have grown up this way. This is what it is to grow up as a person of color in a white-dominated world. This is what it is to be a woman in a society that has taught its daughters that we are worthy of love only if we are deemed attractive by its sons. This is the world I grew up in, but not the world I want to leave behind.

我不是第一個以這種方式長大的人。這就是有色人種在白人主導的世界中長大的方式。這就是女性在這個社會中長大的方式,這個社會教導其女孩子們,只有在其男孩們認為我們有吸引力時,我們才值得被人愛。我是在這樣的世界中長大的,但在我離開這個世界的時候,我不希望它仍是這個樣子。

I want to live in a world where children of color don’t spend their entire adolescence wishing to be white. I want to live in a world where women are not subjected to scrutiny for their appearance, or their actions, or their general existence. I want to live in a world where people of all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, sexual orientations, gender identities and abilities are seen as what they have always been: human beings.

我想生活在這樣一個世界里:有色人種的孩子不會在整個青春期都希望成為白人。我想生活在這樣一個世界里:女性不會因為她們的外表、她們的行為,或她們的正常存在而受到審視。我想生活在這樣一個世界里:不同種族、宗教、社會經濟階層、性取向、性別認同和能力的人都被視為人,因為他們從來都一直就是人。

This is the world I want to live in. And this is the world that I will continue to work toward.

這就是我想要生活的世界。這就是我將繼續為實現之而努力的世界。

These are the thoughts that run through my head every time I pick up a script or a screenplay or a book. I know the opportunity given to me is rare. I know that I now belong to a small group of privileged people who get to tell stories for a living, stories that are heard and seen and digested by a world that for so long has tasted only one thing. I know how important that is. And I am not giving up.

每當我拿起一部話劇劇本、一部電影劇本、或一本書的時候,這些想法就會在我的腦海中閃過。我知道我被授予的機會很難得。我知道我現在屬于一小群享有特權的人,他們可以靠講故事為生,這些故事正在被一個長久以來只品嘗過一種東西的世界所聽到、看到和消化。我知道這有多重要。我不會放棄。

You might know me as Kelly.

你也許知道我的名字是凱莉。

I am the first woman of color to have a leading role in a “Star Wars” movie.

我是第一個在《星球大戰》中擔任主角的有色人種女性。

I am the first Asian woman to appear on the cover of Vanity Fair.

我是第一個登上《名利場》封面的亞洲女性。

My real name is Loan. And I am just getting started.

我的真名是洛恩(Loan)。我才剛剛開始。

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