快捷搜索: 紐約時報  誠信  教育  經濟學人  中國  香港 

一個躁郁癥患者的艱難戀愛

Take Me as I Am, Whoever I Am
一個躁郁癥患者的艱難戀愛

AS a bipolar woman, I have lived much of my life in a constant state of becoming someone else. The precise term for my disorder is “ultraradian rapid cycler,” which means that without medication I am at the mercy of my own spectacular mood swings: “up” for days (charming, talkative, effusive, funny and productive, but never sleeping and ultimately hard to be around), then “down,” and essentially immobile, for weeks at a time.

作為一名患雙向情感障礙的女性,我生活中的大部分時候都處于不斷變成另外一個人的狀態下。我患的這種病準確名稱叫做快速循環型情感障礙,這意味著如果不吃藥的話,我就只能受大起大落的情緒波動擺布了:好幾天“情緒亢奮”(魅力十足、滔滔不絕、情感外露、風趣幽默并且卓有效率,但會一直不睡覺,最終變得難以相處),然后是“情緒低落”,基本上一次持續數周都不愛動。

This darkness started for me in high school, when I simply couldn’t get out of bed one morning. No problem, except I stayed there for 21 days. As this pattern continued, my parents, friends and teachers grew concerned, but they just thought I was eccentric. After all, I remained a stellar student, never misbehaved and graduated as class valedictorian.

這種痛苦從我高中就開始了,有一天早上,我死活起不了床。起不來就起不來吧,不過,我在床上一賴就是21天。隨著這種模式的持續,我的父母、朋友和老師開始擔心起來,但他們只是覺得我有些怪里怪氣的。畢竟,我一直是個優等生,從來沒有過不良行為,最后還代表我們班在畢業典禮上致辭。

Vassar was the same, where I thrived academically despite my mental illness. I then sailed through law school and quickly found career success as an entertainment lawyer in Los Angeles, where I represented celebrities and major motion picture studios. All the while I searched for help through an endless parade of doctors, therapists, drugs and harrowing treatments like electroshock, to no avail.

在瓦薩學院(Vassar)也一樣,盡管我有精神疾病,卻學業優異。后來,我順利地從法學院畢業,在洛杉磯從事娛樂行業的律師工作,并且很快就事業有成,客戶都是名人和大片廠。一直以來,我都在不停地看醫生和心理咨詢師,吃各種藥,嘗試像是電擊這樣可怕療法,但毫無效果。

Other than doctors, nobody knew. At work, where my skills and productivity were all that mattered, I could hide my secret with relative ease. I kept friends and family unaware with elaborate excuses, only showing up when I was sure to impress.

除了醫生,沒人知道我的情況。工作中,我的能力和效率才是最重要的,所以我可以比較輕松地藏好自己的秘密。我用煞費苦心編造出來的借口,把朋友和家人蒙在鼓里,只在我確定自己能給人留下好印象的時候才拋頭露面。

But my personal life was another story. In love there’s no hiding: You have to let someone know who you are, but I didn’t have a clue who I was from one moment to the next. When dating me, you might go to bed with Madame Bovary and wake up with Hester Prynne. Worst of all, my manic, charming self was constantly putting me into situations that my down self couldn’t handle.

但我的私人生活則完全是另外一種情況了。在愛情里,一切都無法隱藏:你必須讓某人知道你是誰,但我對于自己下一秒是誰毫無頭緒。和我約會時,跟你一同睡去的是包法利夫人(Madame Bovary),醒來時卻是海絲特·白蘭(Hester Prynne,《紅字》中的主人公——譯注)。最糟糕的是,我躁狂、魅力十足的那一面往往會把自己置于情緒低落的那一面無法應付的境地。

For example: One morning I met a man in the supermarket produce aisle. I hadn’t slept for three days, but you wouldn’t have known it to look at me. My eyes glowed green, my strawberry blond hair put the strawberries to shame, and I literally sparkled (I’d worn a gold sequined shirt to the supermarket — manic taste is always bad). I was hungry, but not for produce. I was hungry for him, in his well-worn jeans, Yankees cap slightly askew.

比如,有一天早上,我在超市的農產品區遇到了一名男子。當時我三天沒合眼,但你是看不出來的。我的眼睛冒著綠光,一頭草莓紅的金發讓草莓相形失色,而且毫不夸張地說,我閃閃發亮(當時我穿了一件帶有金色亮片的衣服去超市——躁狂那一面的品味總是很糟糕)。我很饑渴,但不是想要農產品,而是想要他,穿著破舊牛仔褲、洋基隊棒球帽稍稍斜戴的他。

I pulled my cart alongside his and started lasciviously squeezing a peach. “I like them nice and firm, don’t you?”

我把推車拉到他的推車旁,開始帶有情色意味地捏著一個桃子。“我喜歡它們又漂亮又緊實的樣子,你呢?”

He nodded. “And no bruises.”

他點點頭,說道:“而且沒有傷痕。”

That’s all I needed, an opening, and I was off. I told him my name, asked him his likes and dislikes in fruit, sports, presidential candidates and women. I talked so quickly I barely had time to hear his answers.

這就是我要的,一段開場白,然后我就噼里啪啦地開始了。我告訴了他我的名字,問了他對水果、運動、總統候選人和女性的喜好。我說話的速度如此之快,甚至都沒時間聽他的回答。

I didn’t buy any peaches, but I left with a dinner date on Saturday, two nights away, leaving plenty of time to rest, shave my legs and pick out the perfect outfit.

我一個桃子都沒買,但離開時,我有了一個周六的晚餐約會,那是兩天后,我還有很多時間來休息、刮腿毛,挑出得體的衣服。

But by the time I got home, the darkness had already descended. I didn’t feel like plowing through my closet or unpacking the groceries. I just left them on the counter to rot or not rot —what did it matter? I didn’t even change my sequined shirt. I tumbled into bed as I was, and stayed there. My body felt as if I had been dipped in slow-drying concrete. It was all I could do to draw a breath in and push it back out, over and over. I would have cried from the sheer monotony of it, but tears were too much effort.

但到我回到家的時候,黑暗降臨了。我不想在衣柜里翻箱倒柜,也不想拿出買來的雜貨。我把它們留在廚房的臺面上,管它爛不爛——有什么關系呢?我甚至都沒有換下我的亮片衣服。我一頭倒在床上,一動不動。我的身體感覺就像是被泡在緩慢變干的水泥里。我能做的只是吸口氣,然后把它呼出去,一遍又一遍。無聊到想哭,但流眼淚太累了。<-->紐約時報中英文網 http://www.uydujn.live<-->

On Saturday afternoon the phone rang. I was still in bed, and had to force myself to roll over, pick it up and mutter hello.

周六下午,電話響了。我還在床上,強迫自己翻了個身,拿起聽筒,咕噥出一聲“喂”。

“It’s Jeff, from the peaches. Just calling to confirm your address.”

“我是杰夫,我們在桃子那里認識的。打來是要確認你的地址。”

Jeff? Peaches? I vaguely remembered talking to someone who fit that description, but it seemed a lifetime ago. And that wasn’t me doing the talking then, or at least not this me — I’d never wear sequins in the morning. But my conscience knew better. “Get up, get dressed!” it hissed in my ear. “It doesn’t matter if she made the date, you’ve got to see it through.”

杰夫?桃子?我依稀記起自己和某個符合這一描述的人講過話,但那似乎是上輩子的事了。而且當時聊天的人也不是我,或者至少不是現在的這個我——我才不會在早上穿亮片衣服。但我的良心很清楚。“起床,穿衣服!”它在我耳邊笑聲說。“就算是她定下的這個約會也沒關系,你得完成它。”

When Jeff showed up at 7, I was dressed and ready, but more for a funeral than a date. I was swathed in black and hadn’t put on any makeup, so my naturally fair skin looked ghostly and wan. But I opened the door, and even held up my cheek to be kissed. I took no pleasure in the feel of his lips on my skin. Pleasure was for the living.

當杰夫七點出現時,我已經穿好衣服,準備就緒了,但我看上去更像是參加葬禮而不是約會。我一身黑,沒化妝,因此我白皙的皮膚看起來像鬼一般蒼白。但我開了門,甚至揚起臉讓他親了我。他的嘴唇落在我皮膚上時,我完全快樂不起來。那是為活人準備的。

I had nothing to say, not then or at dinner. So Jeff talked, a lot at first, then less and less until finally, during dessert, he asked, “You don’t by any chance have a twin, do you?”

我沒話說,當時沒有,晚餐的時候也沒有。于是杰夫負責說話,一開始滔滔不絕,后來越來越少,直到最后,在吃甜品時,他問道,“你不會有個雙胞胎吧?”

And yet I was crushed when he didn’t call.

然而,當他沒有再給我打電話時,我還是無比傷心。

A couple of weeks later, I awoke to a world gone Disney: daffodil sunshine, robin’s egg sky. Birds were trilling outside my window, a song no doubt created especially for me. I couldn’t stand it a minute longer. I flung back the covers and danced in my nightie—my gray flannel prison-issue nightie. I caught one glimpse of it in the mirror, shuddered, and flung it off, too.

幾周后,我醒來時,全世界都像迪士尼一般:水仙花色的陽光,知更鳥蛋藍色的天空。鳥兒們在我的窗外唧啾啼叫,毫無疑問,它們唱的歌是專門為我而作的。我一刻都受不了了。掀開被子,穿著睡衣——我那身像是在監獄里穿的灰色法蘭絨睡衣——開始跳舞。我在鏡子里瞥了它一眼,不寒而栗,把它趕緊脫掉。

I rifled through my closet for something decent to wear, but everything I put my hands on was wrong, wrong, wrong. For starters, it was all black. I hated black, even more than I hated gray. Redheads should be true to their colors, whatever the cost. I dug deeper, and there, shoved way in the back, was a pair of skin-tight jeans and something silky and sparkly and just what I needed: an exquisite gold sequined shirt.

我翻遍了衣櫥,想找件像樣的衣服,但手上拿起的每一件都不對,不對,不對。首先,衣服都是黑色的。我討厭黑色,甚至比灰色還要討厭。紅頭發的人應當忠于自己的顏色,無論代價如何。我越挖越深,有了,被塞在很里面的地方,是一條緊身牛仔褲,還有一件絲滑、閃耀的東西,正是我需要的:一件精美的金色亮片上衣。

I slipped it on and preened for a minute. Damn, I looked good. Then I tugged on the jeans. I had gained a few pounds during the last couple weeks of slothlike existence, but once I yanked really hard, they zipped up fine. Although something was sticking out of the pocket: a business card, with a few words scribbled across the back: “Call me, Jeff.”

我穿上了它,打扮了一陣。媽的,我看起來真不錯。然后我拉上了牛仔褲。過去幾周,在像樹懶一樣過活時,我的體重多出來幾磅,但當我猛得一拉時,拉鏈也能拉上去。盡管有東西從口袋里露了出來:一張名片,背面潦草地寫著幾個字:“打給我,杰夫。”

Jeff?

杰夫?

Jeff! I kicked the nightie out of my way and grabbed the bedside phone. Was 6:30 a.m. too early to call? No, not for good old Jeff! It rang and rang. I was about to give up when a thick, sleepy voice said “Hello?”

杰夫!我踢開睡衣,抓起床邊的電話。當時是早上六點半,太早了,打過去不太好?不,對老好人杰夫來說沒關系!電話響啊響。我都要放棄了,一個渾厚、帶著睡意的聲音說,“喂?”

“It’s me! Why haven’t you called?”

“是我!為什么你沒打給我?”

It took a while to establish who “me” was, but eventually he remembered. “You sound different,” he said. “Or no, maybe you sound more like yourself. I’m not sure. It’s so early.”

杰夫過了一陣才搞清楚“我”是誰,但最終他想起來了。“你聽起來不一樣了,”他說。“或者不是,可能你聽起來更像你自己了。我不確定。現在太早了。”

Soon I had him laughing so hard he got the hiccups and had to get off the phone. But before he did, he asked me out for Friday, three nights away.

很快,我就讓他笑到打嗝,不得不掛上電話。但在掛電話前,他約我周五出來,就在三天后。

No, I insisted, it had to be tonight, or even this afternoon. I didn’t want to lose another chance to get to know him. I knew that Cinderella had only so much time left at the ball.

不,我堅持道,就今晚,甚至今天下午也可以。我不想再失去一次了解他的機會。我知道灰姑娘在舞會上只有那么多時間。

We compromised on dinner that evening at 8. I spent the afternoon ridding my house of all evidence of depression. I soaped and scoured and dusted and vacuumed, using every attachment, even the ones that frightened me. Then I ran out and bought a dozen Casablanca lilies to hide the smell of ammonia and bleach.

我們各退一步,決定當晚八點共進晚餐。我整個下午都在去除抑郁的痕跡。我用肥皂洗、使勁擦、拂去灰塵,并且用吸塵器做了清潔,用上了它所有的附件,連那些嚇到我的都用上了。然后,為了掩蓋住氨水和漂白劑的味道,我跑出去買了一把香水百合。

When the house looked perfect, I turned on myself with the same fury. I buffed and polished and creamed and plucked and did everything in my power to recreate Rita Hayworth’s smoky allure in “Gilda.” As I was shadowing my eyes, I remembered her poignant line about the movie: “Every man I’ve known has fallen in love with Gilda, and wakened with me.” It gnawed at me, to the point that my hand started trembling and I couldn’t finish applying my mascara.

房子看起來完美了,我又開始用同樣的勁頭來收拾自己。我涂涂抹抹還修了眉毛,盡一切辦法再現麗塔·海華斯(Rita Hayworth)在《吉爾達》(Gilda)中的煙熏妝誘惑力。畫眼影的時候,我想起了她關于這部電影令人傷感的一句話:“我認識的每個男人都愛上了吉爾達,卻和我一起醒來。”這讓我心緒難安,雙手開始顫抖,甚至無法刷完睫毛膏。

Suddenly I didn’t look radiant. There were lines around my mouth and a hollowness to my eyes that aged me 10 years. My skin, despite the carefully applied foundation and blush, was so deathly pale I recoiled from my reflection.

突然我看起來不再光彩照人。我嘴巴的周圍有皺紋,眼睛無神,這讓我看起來老了10歲。盡管小心撲上了粉底和腮紅,但我的皮膚還是慘白得要命,我看到自己在鏡子里的樣子都往后退縮。

I sat on the toilet and started to cry. I had met the enemy enough times to know it by sight. Not now, I prayed. Please not now. Globs of mascara ran down my cheeks, and I wiped them away, heedless of the streaks they left. It was 7:57. I had three minutes to wrestle my brain chemistry into submission. Oh, sure, I knew there was another option. I could tell Jeff what was going on. But this was a man who didn’t even like his peaches bruised. What would he think of a damaged psyche?

我坐在馬桶上哭了起來。這種狀況我太熟悉了,我知道是怎么回事。不要現在,我祈禱著。千萬不要是現在。一塊塊睫毛膏從我臉頰流下,我把它們擦去,不管它們留下的痕跡。那會兒已經7點57分了。我還有三分鐘讓我的大腦化學反應屈服。噢,當然了,我知道有另一個選擇。我可以一五一十地告訴杰夫這是怎么回事。但這是一個連桃子上有傷痕都不喜歡的男人。他會對一個受創的靈魂怎么想?

Maybe he would understand. Maybe I would find the courage. Maybe they would invent a cure.

或許他會理解。或許我能鼓起勇氣。或許他們會發明一種治愈方法。

Maybe, but not tonight. As the doorbell rang and rang, I huddled in the bathroom, shivering. I was terrified — not just of Jeff finding me there, but of me never once finding love.

或許,但不是今晚。當門鈴響個不停的時候,我蜷縮在洗手間渾身發抖,我嚇壞了,不僅僅是害怕杰夫會在那里找到我,也怕自己再也不會找到愛情,哪怕一次。

When it was finally quiet, I rinsed off the rest of my mascara and tossed my cocktail dress into the hamper. Then I buttoned up my gray flannel nightie, and settled in for the long night to come.

但一切終于歸于平靜,我洗掉了剩下的睫毛膏,把小禮裙扔進臟衣籃。然后扣上灰色法蘭絨睡衣的扣子,等待漫漫長夜的到來。

I never heard from Jeff again.

杰夫再也沒聯系過我。

THAT was five years ago — five long years of ups and downs, of searching for just the right doctor and just the right dose. I’ve finally accepted that there is no cure for the chemical imbalance in my brain, any more than there is a cure for love. But there’s a little yellow pill I’m very fond of, and a pale blue one, and some pretty pink capsules, and a handful of other colors that have turned my life around. Under their influence, I’m a different person yet again, neither Madame Bovary nor Hester Prynne, but someone in between. I have moods, but they don’t send me spinning into an alternate persona.

那已經是五年前的事情了——情緒起起伏伏的漫長五年,找尋合適的醫生和合適的藥劑。我終于接受了我大腦中化學物質的失衡是無法治愈的事實,就像不存在治愈愛情的方法。但有一種黃色小藥丸我很喜歡,還有一種淡藍色的,以及一些漂亮的粉色膠囊,還有一把其他讓我的人生轉向的藥。在它們的影響下,我又成了另一個人,既不是包法利夫人,也不是海絲特·白蘭,而是介于她們兩者之間的一個人。我還是會有情緒,但它們不會讓我變成另一個人格。

Stability, ironically, is so exciting I have decided to venture into dating again. I have succumbed to pressure from friends and signed up for three months of a computer dating service. “Who are you?” the questionnaire asks at the start.

諷刺的是,穩定如此令人激動,因此我決定再次冒險開始約會。迫于朋友們的壓力,我注冊了三個月的電腦約會服務。“你是誰?”調查問卷一開始就問。

I want to be honest, but I don’t know how to answer. Who am I now? Or who was I then?

我想誠實作答,但卻不知道如何回答。我現在是誰?或者,我以前是誰?

Life seems so much tamer these days: deceptively quiet, like a tiger with velveted paws. Every so often the sun shines too bright and I think, for a moment, that I own the sky. I think, how wonderful it was to be Gilda, if only in my own mind. But then I remember the price of the sky. So I take off my makeup, rumple my hair and go to the supermarket in sweats. The gold sequined shirt languishes in my closet. I’m thinking of giving it away.

如今生活似乎要平靜得多:看起來平靜,就像是一只爪尖收起的老虎。偶爾陽光如此明媚,我就會想,有那么一會兒,我擁有整個天空。我會想,身為吉爾達有多好,如果只是在我自己的腦海中就好了。但隨后我就會記起這片天空的代價。于是我卸下妝容,揉亂頭發,穿著運動衣去超市。那件金色亮片上衣閑置在我的衣櫥里,我在考慮把它送人。

Not just yet.

但還不到時候。

網站部分信息來源于自互聯網和網友上傳,只為方便大家查詢瀏覽,請自行核對信息的真實情況,本站將不承擔任何責任!

您可以還會對下面的文章感興趣:

  • 36小時環游新加坡
  • 中國頒布新規,限制未成年人玩游戲
  • 辭掉工作、花了57天,他們找回了走失的狗
  • 改善健康也許很簡單:每天少吃300卡
  • 中國志愿者網絡“樹洞救援隊”用AI救援數百位自殺者
  • 最新評論

    留言與評論(共有 條評論)
       
    驗證碼:
    pk10九码滚雪球计划表